L o v e

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love,

 

the things you are,

the things you never want to lose. 

(circa 2006...we were babies!)

Do you know those friends love you just the way you are? But without even knowing it, just by being there, push you to be something greater, something more? 

  I'm not saying I haven't met friends like that in college and beyond- in fact, I've made friends I could have never even imagined I'd need so much in the last year of my life. But there is something to be said about friends who have known you for more than half of your life, or almost half. Friends who navigated years of uniforms and dress codes and Catholic school. Friends who understood the unspoken rules that revolved around the bold yellow line which divided the boy's side of the playground from the girl's and would bow our heads serenely in prayer, crossing ourselves whenever an ambulance sirens would wail in the background of our spelling lessons. Friends who remember high school..and the tears..and the laughter. 

  I visited St. Thomas last week with Billy & Erica. Part of me felt like I had never left & the other half felt like everything was different, that I had been gone forever. And there is nothing quite so surreal as walking down the halls of your former high school, with two of your best friends...and your daughter. I had entered the twilight zone. 

  Today, I am thankful for friends. Old & new. I'm a lucky girl. 

The first time her laughter unfurled its wings in the wind, we knew that the world would never be the same..

As I watch the days of March flip by on my calendar, I am forced to consider the inevitable. Grace Margaret is coming closer and closer to her first birthday. The day I couldn't even begin to imagine this time last year. 


   My pregnancy was nothing short of a roller coaster ride. Full speed, butterfly-inducing highs and lows that left my heart in my toes.  Twists and turns that left me white knuckled and a little green. And at the end, I was triumphant- but my legs were still a little wobbly. 
 For the first half of my pregnancy,  I was sick. So sick. So sick that I perfected a technique of being able to get sick while DRIVING to school without missing a beat. So sick I had to leave in the middle of a Neurology exam. 
For the last half, I just cried. About everything. About nothing. What I remember most vividly though, was at night, when the world was quiet, I would crumble. I would cry because I was so worried that I had already failed the little peanut somersaulting into my ribs. I was scared. 




I'm still scared. But I have gained so much. I recognize that I may sound crazy when I say that I consider my daughter one of my best friends. I realize she is 11 months old.I realize that in a few short years, I'll be embarrassing her. And after that, I'll be torturing her by my dictator reign, forcing her to do abhorrent things like come home by 11 and wear skirts that fall no more than 2 inches above her knee. But right now? My world is contained in that 16lb body, sparkling in those big blue eyes. She makes me laugh, constantly. We giggle until I have tears streaming down my face. She looks up at me like I'm the best thing she has ever seen & snuggles when I'm down. And that smile she gives us when she sees us peering over her crib in the morning? Talk about an instant self-confidence booster. 


Life, I've found, is a delicate balance between holding on to, lingering, in the past and moving on. It's hard to know when to let go...and I feel like parenthood is a constant contradiction. You get so excited about each new milestone, but behind that joy, is fear tinged with a little sadness. Knowing a baby isn't a baby for long. 

 Still working on that machine that freezes time. Because who wouldn't want to always see this?

Blossom? No thanks.

Last week, I went from

this...

to....

this!

10 inches of hair. GONE. It was fittingly dramatic, with my hair stylist asking me "Are you SURE you want to do this?" as her scissors were poised above my ponytail. I closed my eyes and gave the go ahead. I wanted a change. And when Andrew told me my hair was slowly beginning to look like Mayim Bialik of Blossom fame, before her What Not To Wear Makeover, I realized it was time (The fact that he made this reference, and knew what he was talking about...is another concern entirely).

    I didn't cry in her chair. I didn't cry on my ride home. But when my Mom gave me a shocked, surprised look when I met her at Chili's for dinner..I went into the bathroom and sobbed. I had instant hair regret & wanted my 10 inch ponytail to be somewhere OTHER than my jacket pocket. However, I got over my shock and now love my hair. It's easier to take care of & always looks styled. There is also no cop out of throwing my hair in a ponytail, so I have to make myself presentable in the morning. The best part?

 Those 10 inches are being donated to Pantene Beautiful Lengths. I had originally planned to donate to Locks of Love, but have recently changed my mind for several reasons. First of all, Locks of Love is SO well-known, they receive donations in excess. So much so, that they often sell hair to wig-makers and use the money to run their organization. I couldn't imagine my hair being sold by a wig-maker, who would in turn use it for profit. The majority of Locks of Love wigs go to children with alopecia, a disease that causes children to lose their hair. This is a wonderful cause to donate to, but cancer has touched my life so personally that this is the cause I truly wanted to support. Also, I have heard from several sources that Locks of Love wigs for children are not free, but sold on a sliding-fee scale based on the family's income. This bothered me. So after some research, I am donating to Pantene who is partnered with the American Cancer society and gives FREE wigs to adult women with cancer.  I learned, after I had made this decision, that this is most likely the way that my grandmother got her wig. When my grandfather told me how proud she would have been of me & how much it meant to her to be able to have the confidence that came with that wig-- I could not have care less what my hair looked like. It was worth it. 

In other exciting news-- my two newest cousins, Thomas Riley O'Halloran & Teagan Patricia O'Halloran were welcomed into the world on Wednesday. My heart melted into a giant puddle when I saw those two little peanuts snuggled up in one bassinet. There is not a more breathtaking sight in the whole world than a newborn baby. So much innocence, sweetness, hope...I truly believe there is nothing purer or more precious. And the snuggles- I have been baby hog extraordinaire, going to visit everyday, just to fill my snuggle-quota. My busy girl has no time for snuggles, so I was glad to have some surrogates. I'm so glad Gracie is going to have all these cousins close in age to her- so much fun!

All in all- a BUSY week. I'm officially on spring "break"..

This is my to-do list.  Relaxing, huh?

Slacking...

 I've been neglecting my blog lately. I've been busy with school & such.

Two weekends ago we went here...

We had a great time. Gracie was truly this cute the entire trip:

                                                  

For me, the highlight of the trip, besides the oodles of family time, we the tour of Fenway. You have to understand something about me-- I LOVE tours. I would take a tour of pretty much anywhere. I have traced this back to my mother & fully blame her for this dorky personality trait. She took us on tours of kilt factories, soup factories & the cadbury chocolate factory (amazing).  So to tour somewhere like Fenway- I was like a kid in a candy shop. I learned so much (have I mentioned I'm a nerd?) And got to sit  in the written press box and the top of the green monster- widely considered the best seat in all of sports. Awesome. 

  In other news, Gracie may be tiny- but oh my gosh is she full of it. 

  Dear Gracie, 

     Here are some things you love to do at 10 months old:

• Opening and shutting doors. This is somewhat rude, particularly when you slam the door in visitors faces. But adorable, so we let it slide.
• Blowing raspberries while eating dinner. It was cute the first time, but when I received a shower of peas-- I tend to have a serious sense of humor failure. I blame Daddy for encouraging you. 
• Waving & Clapping. At strangers, inanimate objects & your own reflection. 
• Saying "Mmmmm" after every bite at dinner time. This melts my heart. 
• Perfecting the drunken-sailor walk. You want to be motoring, all the time. Keeping upright however, even with Mommy & Daddy's help, is a challenge. 
• Eating. You my child, are a bottomless pit. I have NO idea how you are still such a peanut. You would also be in heaven if I allowed your diet to consist of bananas. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner. When you see the banana being sliced at breakfast time you squeal and do your excited pant thing and say "ba ba ba!". You yell if slicing is not completed fast enough for you. How did I end up creating such a diva? Shooot. 
• Open-mouth kisses. You kiss everyone. You kiss Dakota, Mimi's stuffed orangutang etc. It's cute, just a little sloppy. 

                     Could we freeze time baby girl? I'm currently planning your first birthday..and I sort of want to cry just thinking about it. At the party, I'll be the one refusing to admit that you are actually a year old. 

                                         Love you to the moon & back, 

                                                              Mumma.