Back to reality...

After a fabulous, rejuvenating weekend- the kind full of s'mores and margaritas and laughter and campfires...

I am back to reality. The reality of classes and proving yourself to a new clinical supervisor and trash days and piles of laundry. 

How often do I wish for another reality?

How often do I have these conversations inside my own head:

I wish there was more time. In an hour. A day. A month. Think of the magnificent things I could do with MORE TIME. 

I wish I was rich. So rich that my only responsibilities were staying at home, playing with Grace. So rich that I could buy greek yogurt at the grocery store by the barrel full and not constantly calculate how much I'm spending and not sacrificing fresh produce for organic snacks for Gracie. So rich that I could indulge my whims, Andrew's dreams and buy Grace things like giant stuffed animals. So rich that I could just ENJOY going out to dinner, or meeting friends for drinks. So rich that dreams of travel weren't just dreams. 

I wish I were skinnier. I'd clearly be happier. Less jealous & moody. I'd grow to love exercise and hate french fries and would look gorgeous in everything I tried on. I hate being fat. I'll start dieting tomorrow...by Christmas I'll love myself again, for sure. 

I wish I lived in a great, epic love story. Where I was showered with gifts and affection, constantly. Where there were no hard times, no arguments, no doubt. No turned around or upside down or hurt feelings or compromises or backwards glances. Just prince charming and beauty and breathless joy. ALL THE TIME. 

This is so unfair. All of it. 

What a miserable way to live, always wishing for something else. 

While bemoaning everyone who assumes the grass is always greener- when did I become one of them?

I need to fall in love with MY reality. 

This is not settling. Not throwing my hands up & never wishing for or striving for anything great ever again.  

This is living my life, all the way into the tips of my fingers and the bottom of my sandy summertime feet. Keeping myself from resentment and regrets. Living each moment and appreciating the breath, rather than the anticipation & the exhale.  Just enjoying. 

Enjoying my girl. My sweet, silly baby who constantly makes me laugh and occasionally makes me cry. 

Learning to ignore the stretch marks and the belly I can't blame on just having a baby anymore. 

Enjoying my work. Valuing my education. Learning and reaching out of my comfort zone. 

Appreciating my family & loving my friends for standing by my side. 

Enjoying moments of compromise.

Falling in love with what it is, what it will be- rather than what I wish it was. 

Because my reality? It's not perfect. 

But it's pretty great.

I just need to learn to embrace it...

The friends you don't want to have.

Since I've had a nice vacation from school I've had plenty of time to peruse facebook. And I've realized...there are just some sorts of people you wish you weren't "friends with"...and that the genuis that is Mark Zuckerberg created the "hide" button for a reason....

Here are a few examples:


The Game Player:
   Farmville, Cafe Word...  I'm sure that these games are addicting. I'm also sure that you can opt NOT to have your every action broadcast on the news feed. I don't care if you need nails. Or chickens. Or if you are whipping me up some nice hot chocolate in your cafe. JUST STOP. You're going to get hidden from my newsfeed...and then you're going to cease to exist in my world at all- because if it isn't on facebook, it obviously isn't real. 


The Day Planner:
Look...we're "friends". While, in all fairness, it is a very loose definition of the term--- one thing I'm definitely not is your stalker. So I don't need to know your minute to minute plans for the day. How many errands you have, how many miles you plan to run, how much cheese you have to buy at the grocery store and when you are brushing your teeth- totally unnecessary information. Save yourself from carpel tunnel and stop constantly updating me from your blackberry or i-phone.


The "My kid will someday be an honor student at __________, once she eats these green beans for dinner and has a bath"
Listen, I love my kid and I whole-heartedly believe she is the most awesome person I know. However- I also believe that not everyone thinks she's quite as cool as I do. And I'm ok with that. Therefore- I don't feel the need to broadcast her every move for the world. And while she's pretty cool, her scope of interest and activities is fairly small, being that she's only a year old. Your kid is 4 months old? I can tell you exactly what they are doing. Crying...not sleeping when you want them to...pooping...and eating. You don't need to post about it...ALL the FREAKING time. (Providing an obnoxious amount of pictures is acceptable, however) And when posting about bodily functions? Imagine that your child may read this some day. Because I'm pretty sure if Grace had the vocabulary..she's ask me to not broadcast her bowel movements over the internet. Just sayin'. 


The Martha Stuart In-Training: 
Went to the gym. Made dinner. Cookies. Pasta salad for tomorrow's BBQ. Did 17 loads of laundry. Mowed the lawn. Taught their children spanish. Looked gorgeous for their husband. Solved world hunger. Posted at 7:18 am. CUT it OUT. You're making the rest of us look bad. 




The One Who was Absent A Lot in Middle School:
I'll admit-- I'm a stickler for grammar and spelling and I know that facebook is perhaps not the best place for me. And thanks to spell-check...virtually no one can spell by themselves anymore.  But when bored becomes board and angel becomes angle and you're constantly mixing up their and there and than and then-- it makes me CRAZY. These are generally the same people that add lots of extraneous vowels to their words ( "gooooiiiiiing tooooo wooooork aaaaall daaay is soooo laaameeee").  I mean...say that sentence out-loud like that. You sound ridiculous. They also type LiKe ThIs FoR eXtRa PiZaZz. I'm clearly not friends with you in real-life....so remind me again why you're polluting my newsfeed? 




The Eeyore:
Your car broke down. Your job sucks. You're sick, for the seventy-fifth million time. The song lyrics you just posted explain  how terrible your life is perfectly. Listen, I'm all for the occasional (if you ask Andrew and my Dad, they'll say I meant CONSTANT) whining & complaining. But if that's the only thing that's "on your mind" when you log-on-- LOG OUT. Go outside, soak up some sunshine, find something that will make you laugh. If all else fails...turn on Jersey Shore, Teen Mom or Hoarders- because it will either a) make you laugh hysterically or b) make you realize things aren't really all that bad. 


The Spoiler: 
The season finale of [enter the name of your favorite show here] just ended 32 seconds ago. This person races to their computer to tell the facebook universe how they felt about who the Bachelor chose, what Lost was actually all about or who died on Dexter. WE LIVE IN THE AGE OF  DVR & TIVO. I personally cannot stay up late enough for most prime-time television and rely on Hulu. Please don't ruin it for everybody else. Make your post a little cryptic. Or get creative. Or just don't say anything at all until a respectable amount of time has passed. Because while I really don't want to de-friend you...I will.


Moral of the story? I spend WAY too much of my precious free time on facebook.

Learning Curve...

In the time that I have spent with Grace on my mini-vacation from real life, I find myself constantly in awe of her & her growing skill set. I find myself staring at her often, transfixed as she determinedly toddles over to something she wants, or tries to put her father's shoes, twice the size of her entire body, onto her tiny feet.

I'm sure I have annoyed countless friends and relatives with my Oh my gosh did you just see how she tried to wipe off her own tray like she's seen me do a million times? I mean, she got soggy cheerios and bananas all over the floor I just washed but look at her! Wiping her own tray! She must be the smartest child in the entire universe! which tends to be followed on my part by overjoyed, bursting from the seams laughter or an explosion of tears.

Gracie girl is growing up. And everyday, she slips further and further away from being my baby. Her sense of independence is blossoming & she wants to do everything without my help. She pushes me away, tells me "no no no no" with a furious shake of her head. She gives high fives instead of sweet sloppy kisses. It is heart-breaking & awe-inspiring. I find myself constantly amazed by how smart she is, how much she understands. How her personality has erupted, often times catching me unaware with her stubborn nature (Andrew's) as well as her propensity for bursting into tears when anyone is disappointed in her (most definitely me).

But something struck me, recently, as I found my vision unexpectedly blurring at the edges & my cheeks feeling the splash of hot, fresh tears while I was watching Gracie push her "baby" in the stroller around the living room. Maybe the reason I find her growth so overwhelming is that it is a direct parallel of how I must now grow. And how unprepared I truly feel.

How will I teach her to sing at the top of her lungs but whisper in the library? How will I teach her to run with reckless abandon but take caution when crossing the street? How will I teach her to be kind on days when my patience is running thin? How to be open and accepting of all types of people but not talk to strangers? How to be bold and careful, thoughtful and carefree?

Infants...they mostly need you just to keep them alive. Toddlers? They need you to teach them HOW to LIVE.

There has never been a day when I have not been proud of you, I said to my daughter,

 though some days I'm louder about other stuff so it's easy to miss that.

Gracie girl, 

I promise to do my best

to keep you laughing

loving

and exploring. 

If you forgive me when I don't get it all the way right, I promise 

to always let you have extra whipped cream with your ice cream & to let you suck all the guacamole off my chips before I eat them (I'm not sure this promise will work when you're 15, but at the moment, that's one of the bigger sacrifices you ask of me).

I love you to the moon & back, 

Mama. 

I love(d) college....

On the last day of clinic, I decided to take one of my clients out for breakfast at The Bagelry. For those of you unfamiliar with the UNH campus, the walk from Hewitt Hall to The Bagelry is not a long one, maybe ten minutes at most. What I didn't anticipate however, was that not all people walk quite as quickly as I do- so this turned into a long, meandering, almost 35 minute walk.  I was left to contemplate the things as we slowly ( and I mean S L O W L Y) passed by them & before long, I felt memories flooding back to me of the years I spent at UNH. 


I never wanted to go to UNH. Ever.  Both of my best friends parents worked there and the one vow we made to each other? There would be NO UNH for us. 5 years later? We're still there together.  
The years I have spent there, the stupid choices, life-altering changes..all intertwined into that campus, and it almost seems if I listen hard enough, I can hear the whispers of my memories & history surrounding me. 


As we walked, I made mental notes. There is that building where I had that 9 am Friday morning Chemistry class sophomore year...boy was that a poor choice. Directly across the street, the coffee cart where I readily & frequently parted with my last few dollars to buy coffee to get me through said early morning chem class.  A little farther down, the social sciences building where I often found myself waiting for my roommate to get out of class, bleary eyed & exhausted. 


We walked by the dorm I lived in my freshman year. It was a forced triple, and Katie & I practically bullied our third roommate out. In our defense, she owned nun-chucks & was fully capable and willing to use them. She also often wore her headphones and pretended to be listening to music, but was really listening to every conversation we ever had. When she was gone, we started living a 24-7 sleepover. We'd stay up late, marveling over TLC specials  and promising not to let the other turn into the next 1/2 ton woman as we passed our custom trail-mix of cheez-its, m&m's and popcorn across the divide between our beds. We'd argue with our boyfriends, taking our cordless phone into the hallway "for privacy" and I still remember watching the red "in use" button on the stand flicker on and off as Katie hung up on her boyfriend repeatedly & I wished I had the guts to do the same. I remember sharing a box of wine with friends on a Wednesday and walking to Store 24 for snacks at 1 am, after pausing to make snow angels. I remember crying every Sunday night, at the beginning, because I missed home, 15 minutes away. And then crying, in May, because I would miss my "roomie". 


I walked by the spot where Andrew first called me from CT, after assuring me that we would probably never talk again and how my heart soared and my pulse raced and my cheeks flushed. 


The dorm we lived in sophomore year sits right on Main Street. This is the year of college I would live over again, for fun. This was the room where I laughed until I cried, and cried until Katie was able to make me laugh again. My heart was shattered, glue back together and crushed again. It was in this room I received the phone call that my Nana had died. This is the room where I earned the nickname "sky-diver" for my infamous tumble off the top bunk. This is the room where I sat up on the phone with Andrew for hours, until Katie threw something at me to shut me up. It was also the room where he told me he had found someone else. But my phone continued to ring. 
I had more fun, made more mistakes, and laughed harder than you could ever imagine. I grew into my own skin...I stopped worrying so much.  I loved life & hated it all in the same breath. 

Across from that dorm, separated by charming little courtyard, was a fancy new dorm, that is not so fancy or new anymore. I stormed through this building when a certain friend of ours disappeared with the claim he was going to walk home to Stratham, knocking on every door that bared the name of the only other friend he had on campus. This is also the dorm where I took Andrew to one of the only UNH parties he went to. He attempted to threaten a guy twice his size over a game of beirut  and the proceeded to lock himself in the bathroom for hours. 


Oh Main Street. There is D-HOP, which used to sell dollar slices of pizza and the drunk crowd that gathered Thursday through Saturday night was beyond entertaining. We crossed Main Street to get to the apartment we used to hang out at and I'm sure if I entered that building today I would be disgusted by it, as well as flooded with mixture of embarrassing and hilarious memories. I can still recall the smell of the hallway and the stairwell, and to this day, that smell is the embodiment of my college experience. 


There is a tangle of academic buildings on the way back to Hewitt & I've experienced all of these as well. I've spent a lot of time talking about the fun things I did while at UNH, but I also worked hard too. I value my education, love going to school (pretty sure I'd be a perpetual student if  I could get away with it) and feel blessed that I made the choice of going to a school that I will not be in debt from for the rest of my natural born life. But the magical thing about college? All of it makes you grow. Forces you to challenge yourself. The classes. The friends.  The papers. The roommates. The exams. The parties. 


As we approached Hewitt again, after our breakfast, I glanced in the direction of my apartment complex where I spent my junior year. Living with 5 other girls was probably the craziest decision I have ever made, but when we weren't at each other's throats-- we were having a ball. We were a true family, and still are. Some days we couldn't stand each other, we gossiped, fought and screamed- but at the end of the day, it was all about love. When my world falls apart, when life knocks me down a few pegs? These are the girls whose phone numbers my fingers automatically find. 

College has undoubtedly helped to define me. I am certainly no longer the carefree girl that I was for the majority of the time I roamed those streets. I can't help but feel a level of nostalgia for those years, for the growing up I had to do so fast, for the things I left behind. I know when I graduate (fingers crossed) next summer, there will be tears. Tears of joy, for surviving. Of pride, for succeeding. And a few, of sadness,  for the girl I will let go of & leave behind. 




But it only takes a moment to remember, all I have gained. And I am able to laugh at the silly girl that I was & marvel at the silliest girl that I now have. 

and I wouldn't change a single thing.

 I do it all again, exactly the way I have. 

Letters to myself...

Dear Justine at 5, 


Play in the sandbox and enjoy your nap-times. When your mom drops your birthday cake on the floor & the dogs eat it? Spending time whining about this is only going to make your ice cream melt faster-but eating melted puddles of ice cream with your first best friend is almost as good as cake. Someone is going to tell you that you can't play legos with the boys...just ignore them. This getting along better with boys thing is going to be a life long trend. 
Also--- calling 911 like you talked about during circle time? This doesn't go over too well with Dad. Or the scary looking police officer that shows up at the door. So don't do it. 






  Dear Justine at 12,

          Let's be honest with ourself here....you're a little awkward. I promise you there will come a day when you will look back and giggle at your fashion choices and baby fat. There will even be times in the future where you'll consider yourself to be rather pretty. You will find a boy who is willing to kiss you. More than one, in fact. None of them will look like Leonardo DiCaprio. Chances are, you will never be a famous actress or a writer of successful historical fiction romance novels. But keep dreaming big- reality isn't all it's cracked up to be. Also- you are living in EUROPE. Take a few extra moments to soak that in, will ya? You're going to be embarrassed when you see the photos of you sitting bored to tears in the Louvre & hear stories of how you were mortified by the "naked" statues. This is once in a lifetime if you're lucky kind of stuff- enjoy it. Be a kid. Life goes too fast, trust me when I say- don't rush it. 




Dear Justine at 14, 


Oh high school. Painful & fabulous, all at the same time. Enjoy your friends. The good ones? They're going to stick around for a while & you will be so grateful to have that connection to your past. Enjoy being carefree- you may think you've got problems...but you don't. Toxic friends- just get rid of them. Trust me when I say it isn't worth the drama. Pretty soon, you're going to get that first kiss that you can't stop obsessing over. I wish you would listen to me when I tell you not to rush your innocence, that there is something special about never having been kissed, giggling & day-dreaming about senior boys that don't know you even exist. Also, when all those teachers are blabbing on about time management, I suggest you LISTEN. Your future self would be eternally grateful. 






Dear Justine at 15,
Here it is..the big "first love". It is going to be intoxicating, terrifying and consuming all of your thoughts and time. He's a great first boyfriend- but someday you will understand that he wouldn't have been such a great last boyfriend. Enjoy each other, but don't forget the important people in your life. Coming crawling back to neglected friends is embarrassing- and nobody wants to be that girl that is so obsessed with her boyfriend she has no time for anyone else. Be nicer to your parents. I promise they aren't trying to ruin your life. Someday you will be ashamed of the way you behaved towards them. But mostly, you're a really good kid and it's imperative that you remember that. Grades are important- but stop staying up until 2 am studying for Brit Lit tests. Your parents won't ACTUALLY disown you if you get a C. Remember that time management thing I mentioned- now would be a great time to try it out. 




Dear Justine at 18, 


I know you are really disappointed about going to UNH & you think you are going to be miserable. You're not. In fact, there will come a time  (or two...or twenty) when you are going to be VERY glad you aren't all alone in Boston, up to your ears in college loans. You're going to meet some of your very best friends here. Don't waste your freshman year waiting for your boyfriend to call. Don't stay in when he asks you to. You're not going to be able to get this time back- but you'll wish you could.


Dear Justine at 19, 
This is the year you will meet and fall in and out (and in and out and in and out) of love with the boy you are going to marry. You will finally start living the college experience. You will do lots of stupid things in order to learn some smarter lessons. You will say goodbye to a very important person & it will turn your world upside down. Remember that first boyfriend? Be kinder to him than you might want to. Growing a backbone might do you some good as well. I would love to remind you of your self-worth & convince you that you don't need to fill that void your love is going to leave when it crosses state lines & fades away for a while with meaningless people &  things- but that's something you are going to have to figure out for yourself. 

Dear Justine at 21, 

You are in love with someone who will disappoint you, surprise you and challenge you. It may not always be a smooth ride- but those moments when you dissolve into giggles together, when a whole conversation is had with a glance....it will all be worth it. Hold onto those moments- sometimes you'll need the reminder of them to stay warm & true. And through it all? He will be your best friend, like always.

In nine short months, you will  meet the person who will change your life. Nothing went as you might have planned it, but I promise you a year from now...two years from now...it won't even matter. Because whatever brought you to her...brought her to you...it will all be worth it. Every time you fall & think you can't possibly get back up? You will. That self-worth you've been missing- she fills you with purpose, respect and above all, love. It is like there is an invisible line like a paper cup telephone between you, whispering your thoughts back and forth- she loves you completely, knows you completely- and hasn't even said a word. You are blessed.

Oh..and that time management thing I kept bugging you about? This is about the time  it comes back to kick you in the you know where. Just sayin'. 

Love, 

Me. 

A quarter century

Happy Birthday....

To the guy who loves me, 

even though I'm perpetually grumpy when I wake up in the morning

even though I am a habitually stealer of the covers & take up more than my allotted half of the bed

even though I'm a Red Sox fan & He's a Yankee fan

even though I'm a die-hard Pats fan & he supports the Cowboys

even though I'm really awful at video games but insist on playing them with him


even though at times, I'm a little hard to handle..

even though I'm almost as stubborn as he is

even though, 

there's this other girl

who kind of has his heart....

Happy 25th Birthday Superman

I love you, even though you're now "twenty-old"...and if you're lucky, I might love you when you're really old...like thirty :)

A day late...

Dear Gracie, 


    Yesterday, your Dad celebrated his 2nd Father's Day. Last year, you were only 2 months old. Father's Day fell on his 24th birthday. And I had made plans to go to a wedding. So he hung out at home with you. He was kind of gipped, although he would never admit it. 
  This year, you were pretty cranky. We had gone to a concert the night before, so you had a sleepover at the Leary's. While you had tons of fun, I think they wore you out! You napped a lot & then we went to a cook-out at Mimi & Grandpa's. We had a great afternoon, spending time with family. 
   I just wanted to tell you what a lucky girl you are. Your Daddy watched you come into this world and has loved you, with all his heart, for every second since. He works really hard to take care of us. He can make you giggle like no one else and you light up when you see him walk into a room.
   We're in the process of building our own bedroom & we will be (hopefully) moving in soon. As much as we love you, sometimes your snoring and occasional crying keep us up at night. And in the morning, if you hear us moving around, you want to be in on the action and be awake too. Even if it's 4:30 am and one of us just had to stumble to the bathroom. When I mentioned to your Daddy about how excited I was about moving rooms, he told me he would truly miss your little snores and knowing that you were right there with us. Your Daddy LOVES his sleep. But guess what? He loves you more. 
      
     Let me also tell you that you won the lottery in the grandfather department. Pops is pretty far away in Connecticut. We don't get to see him too often, but when we do- no one can tear you away from him.He loves you so much.


 And Grandpa? Oh man. I can say with almost 100% certainty you are his favorite person on the entire planet. We visit him at work every so often & he always tells me it's his favorite part of the day. You are his princess, his "best girl" and "perfect in every way". You can learn a lot from Grandpa. Don't listen to any of the bad stuff he tells you to drive Mama crazy...but the good stuff? Listen up, because he's one of the smartest people I know. 


    You're a lucky girl, Gracie. And so am I. And I think you already know it...

Love, Mama

PS: I know that Mimi will probably tease me about the fact that I didn't devote a Mother's Day post to her. Let me just tell you this- Mimi is definitely Mama's best friend, whether she believes it or not. There is a magnet on her refrigerator that reads "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all"...this becomes truer and truer for me with each passing day. That's ok with me, because Mimi is funny and kind, and smarter than she gives herself credit for. She loves you so much too, often requesting a "Gracie fix", because spending time with you makes her day so much better. Mama couldn't make it through school without her, because you get to go play at Mimi's house twice a week. And you love it, mainly because Mimi spoils you rotten. She is also responsible for 75% of your extensive wardrobe. We love Mimi too.