Learning Curve...

In the time that I have spent with Grace on my mini-vacation from real life, I find myself constantly in awe of her & her growing skill set. I find myself staring at her often, transfixed as she determinedly toddles over to something she wants, or tries to put her father's shoes, twice the size of her entire body, onto her tiny feet.

I'm sure I have annoyed countless friends and relatives with my Oh my gosh did you just see how she tried to wipe off her own tray like she's seen me do a million times? I mean, she got soggy cheerios and bananas all over the floor I just washed but look at her! Wiping her own tray! She must be the smartest child in the entire universe! which tends to be followed on my part by overjoyed, bursting from the seams laughter or an explosion of tears.

Gracie girl is growing up. And everyday, she slips further and further away from being my baby. Her sense of independence is blossoming & she wants to do everything without my help. She pushes me away, tells me "no no no no" with a furious shake of her head. She gives high fives instead of sweet sloppy kisses. It is heart-breaking & awe-inspiring. I find myself constantly amazed by how smart she is, how much she understands. How her personality has erupted, often times catching me unaware with her stubborn nature (Andrew's) as well as her propensity for bursting into tears when anyone is disappointed in her (most definitely me).

But something struck me, recently, as I found my vision unexpectedly blurring at the edges & my cheeks feeling the splash of hot, fresh tears while I was watching Gracie push her "baby" in the stroller around the living room. Maybe the reason I find her growth so overwhelming is that it is a direct parallel of how I must now grow. And how unprepared I truly feel.

How will I teach her to sing at the top of her lungs but whisper in the library? How will I teach her to run with reckless abandon but take caution when crossing the street? How will I teach her to be kind on days when my patience is running thin? How to be open and accepting of all types of people but not talk to strangers? How to be bold and careful, thoughtful and carefree?

Infants...they mostly need you just to keep them alive. Toddlers? They need you to teach them HOW to LIVE.

There has never been a day when I have not been proud of you, I said to my daughter,

 though some days I'm louder about other stuff so it's easy to miss that.

Gracie girl, 

I promise to do my best

to keep you laughing

loving

and exploring. 

If you forgive me when I don't get it all the way right, I promise 

to always let you have extra whipped cream with your ice cream & to let you suck all the guacamole off my chips before I eat them (I'm not sure this promise will work when you're 15, but at the moment, that's one of the bigger sacrifices you ask of me).

I love you to the moon & back, 

Mama.