The friends you don't want to have.

Since I've had a nice vacation from school I've had plenty of time to peruse facebook. And I've realized...there are just some sorts of people you wish you weren't "friends with"...and that the genuis that is Mark Zuckerberg created the "hide" button for a reason....

Here are a few examples:


The Game Player:
   Farmville, Cafe Word...  I'm sure that these games are addicting. I'm also sure that you can opt NOT to have your every action broadcast on the news feed. I don't care if you need nails. Or chickens. Or if you are whipping me up some nice hot chocolate in your cafe. JUST STOP. You're going to get hidden from my newsfeed...and then you're going to cease to exist in my world at all- because if it isn't on facebook, it obviously isn't real. 


The Day Planner:
Look...we're "friends". While, in all fairness, it is a very loose definition of the term--- one thing I'm definitely not is your stalker. So I don't need to know your minute to minute plans for the day. How many errands you have, how many miles you plan to run, how much cheese you have to buy at the grocery store and when you are brushing your teeth- totally unnecessary information. Save yourself from carpel tunnel and stop constantly updating me from your blackberry or i-phone.


The "My kid will someday be an honor student at __________, once she eats these green beans for dinner and has a bath"
Listen, I love my kid and I whole-heartedly believe she is the most awesome person I know. However- I also believe that not everyone thinks she's quite as cool as I do. And I'm ok with that. Therefore- I don't feel the need to broadcast her every move for the world. And while she's pretty cool, her scope of interest and activities is fairly small, being that she's only a year old. Your kid is 4 months old? I can tell you exactly what they are doing. Crying...not sleeping when you want them to...pooping...and eating. You don't need to post about it...ALL the FREAKING time. (Providing an obnoxious amount of pictures is acceptable, however) And when posting about bodily functions? Imagine that your child may read this some day. Because I'm pretty sure if Grace had the vocabulary..she's ask me to not broadcast her bowel movements over the internet. Just sayin'. 


The Martha Stuart In-Training: 
Went to the gym. Made dinner. Cookies. Pasta salad for tomorrow's BBQ. Did 17 loads of laundry. Mowed the lawn. Taught their children spanish. Looked gorgeous for their husband. Solved world hunger. Posted at 7:18 am. CUT it OUT. You're making the rest of us look bad. 




The One Who was Absent A Lot in Middle School:
I'll admit-- I'm a stickler for grammar and spelling and I know that facebook is perhaps not the best place for me. And thanks to spell-check...virtually no one can spell by themselves anymore.  But when bored becomes board and angel becomes angle and you're constantly mixing up their and there and than and then-- it makes me CRAZY. These are generally the same people that add lots of extraneous vowels to their words ( "gooooiiiiiing tooooo wooooork aaaaall daaay is soooo laaameeee").  I mean...say that sentence out-loud like that. You sound ridiculous. They also type LiKe ThIs FoR eXtRa PiZaZz. I'm clearly not friends with you in real-life....so remind me again why you're polluting my newsfeed? 




The Eeyore:
Your car broke down. Your job sucks. You're sick, for the seventy-fifth million time. The song lyrics you just posted explain  how terrible your life is perfectly. Listen, I'm all for the occasional (if you ask Andrew and my Dad, they'll say I meant CONSTANT) whining & complaining. But if that's the only thing that's "on your mind" when you log-on-- LOG OUT. Go outside, soak up some sunshine, find something that will make you laugh. If all else fails...turn on Jersey Shore, Teen Mom or Hoarders- because it will either a) make you laugh hysterically or b) make you realize things aren't really all that bad. 


The Spoiler: 
The season finale of [enter the name of your favorite show here] just ended 32 seconds ago. This person races to their computer to tell the facebook universe how they felt about who the Bachelor chose, what Lost was actually all about or who died on Dexter. WE LIVE IN THE AGE OF  DVR & TIVO. I personally cannot stay up late enough for most prime-time television and rely on Hulu. Please don't ruin it for everybody else. Make your post a little cryptic. Or get creative. Or just don't say anything at all until a respectable amount of time has passed. Because while I really don't want to de-friend you...I will.


Moral of the story? I spend WAY too much of my precious free time on facebook.