Balancing Act...

The first symptom of pregnancy?


It's not morning sickness...

or weight gain..

or being tired all the time. Nope.





The first symptom of pregnancy? The gift of motherhood that keeps on giving?

Guilt.


Guilt about what irresponsible things you might have done before you knew you were pregnant. Guilt about every cup of coffee, ever diet soda you have while you're pregnant. Guilt about deli meat. Too much weight gain. Not enough weight gain. What you can eat. What you can't. Guilt about induction. Epidurals. C-sections.

Guilt about breast-feeding. Guilt about NOT breast-feeding. Guilt about pacifiers. Co-sleeping. Swaddling. Weight gain. Weight loss or lack of. Jaundice. Guilt about letting a baby cry it out, guilt about when to start solids, guilt about belly time. Guilt about daycare. Guilt about taking time for yourself.


I thought this guilt would subside as time went on. Truth is- it has just grown & evolved right along with my Gracie girl. There are new challenges everyday & if I let it- my guilt would consume me.

I've been going through some things lately, with school & my (sort-of almost) career. And although they seem to have resolved themselves at this point, after many sleepless nights, frantic (and appreciated) conversations with good friends and with my parents, it certainly got me thinking. I've felt pulled in a million different directions. And I've watched my priorities shift and struggled to set boundaries when I felt like everything was unstable. There have been (plenty of) moments when I've wanted to throw my hands up in the air and scream SURRENDER. Throw in the towel.

You know what keeps me going?

This girl. In the ultimate case of irony & contradiction- it is THIS girl who pushes me to succeed & causes me to simulatneously resent the need to do so.

I am nearing the age where people are starting to ( or at least toy with the idea) settle down. Get married. Have babies. I've actually heard people say that settling down is synonymous with settling. Forgoing their grander aspirations. Releasing dreams they had for themselves, as an individual. I want to know why. Why is it portrayed as SO hard to both succeed (in the more traditional sense of the word) and be a successful parent? Why does it feel so hard? It all cycles back to that guilt thing.

I will say this- I grew up with two parents who worked (and still do) very hard. Full time jobs. And I never felt neglected. Not once. I don't remember the number of business trips my dad had to go on, but I do remember the stories he tape-recorded for me, complete with my special lullaby & reminders to behave for my mom. I don't remember my mom sleeping through days because she worked nights, I don't remember her being as miserable when sleep-deprived as she does-but I do remember trips to the library and her unfailing presence at every school event.

I know that by saying "yes,  you win" to my work, to school- I'm ultimately saying YES to Grace's future. I have to constantly remind myself that while I may not be doing what feels best for me- I am doing what is best for her.

So this week? For me, it's all about balance. About my reaction to the events life throws at me. And these are things that ring true, parent or not. Life is about BALANCE. About realizing it's okay to have days where you are less than perfect.

I hereby swear to make the most of the time I get with my girl. Whether it's 14 hours or 2- they're all gold. My hope is she will remember splashing in the tub until my clothes are soaked and the bathroom floor rivals Lake George. That she will remember reading "Llama Llama Red Pajama" night after night. And that the moments where my head was buried in a textbook, where I was gone for 10 or 12 hours a day- I selfishly hope those moments slip through the cracks.

I know I have many friends, particularly those of us still in school, who are teetering on the edge of "real life". Waiting for that final push that catapults into the world of forty hour work weeks and salaries. And while I know it will get better- the pressure of exams, projects, meeting other peoples expectations constantly will subside, it is still going to be all about balance. Realizing that less that perfect is ok. That dishes might not get done so you can read that extra book at bedtime, or have that glass of wine that you so desperately need after a long week.

   We've all got balls to juggle. Kids or not, life is pretty much a circus act. And you know what?
                                                       It's nice to know I'm not alone.